


Nice is Different Than Good

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Come Shot, Confrontations, Die is in a Bad Mood, Disagreements, Hate Kissing, Introspection, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Reflection, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, is that a thing?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:54:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22543585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: For the first time since they’d arrived, Die was looking at Kyo with his full attention, glaring daggers right through to his soul.“What?” Kyo said, not shying away from the eye contact, no matter how threatening it was.No one spoke for a minute, and Kyo used the silence to think and process. He knew why Die was looking at him so hatefully now; because he wasn’t being "nice."But Kyo wasn’t remotely interested in picking and choosing when it was convenient to stand by whatever one believed in, and maybe he didn’t believe in much, but he trusted himself, and he trusted his instincts. He wouldn’t ignore that for the sake of politeness.At length, what came out of Kyo’s mouth was, “I’m not going to not be who I am, just to be nice.”
Relationships: Die/Kyo (Dir en grey)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No smut this chapter but there will be some eventually (it's not really long enough to be a slow-burn)

A bag plopped down on the makeup counter in front of Kyo and it didn’t take more than a cursory glance for him to recognize it as Shinya’s.

He didn’t bother looking up at his bandmate as he kept rifling through his own bag for his sweatshirt. “What’s up?”

“You won’t come out with us?”

Kyo sighed. He’d already been through it with Kaoru. It was a rare thing for him to feel like going out after a live, even under the best circumstances, but tonight he was really in no mood at all to be social. He just wanted to get back to the hotel for some peace and quiet.

It wasn’t that the concert itself had gone badly. But it was a combination of other things that had left him utterly drained of whatever limited tolerance he normally held for interacting politely with other people.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Shin,” Kyo said. He finally found the sweatshirt he was looking for, and pulled it out of the bag. He shook it out, still not looking directly at Shinya’s face for fear of being guilted into something.

“You never join us for anything,” Shinya said. “We’re your band, but you treat us like mere coworkers instead of like friends.”

“I don’t know what you expect,” Kyo said, pulling the sweatshirt on. “We do work together.”

“And with how long we’ve been making music, that’s all you think about us?” Shinya said.

Kyo reluctantly met his eyes. “Of course not. You know how close I feel to all of you.” He didn’t know why Shinya would want to pick now of all times to hash out something like this. He never came to hang out after shows usually; it wasn’t like this was anything special.

“You take a lot more time for members of your other band.”

Kyo gave him a look. “It’s not fair to try and pit my bands against each other.”

“I’m not,” Shinya said, shrugging. “It was just an observation.”

“I’ll come out another time.”

“But we’re _all_ going,” Shinya said. “How long has it been since we all got together like that? But Kaoru is actually on board, Toshiya, _Die_ —”

“Yeah, all the more reason for me to skip it,” Kyo said. He zipped his bag. “Have you even asked Die if he thinks I should go? I doubt he wants me there.”

Shinya rolled his eyes. “You’re just being dramatic. He doesn’t care.”

Kyo raised a skeptical eyebrow. Die was, to put it simply, one of the reasons his mood was especially poor this evening. He wasn’t entirely sure what he’d done to deserve it, but Die was pissed at him, and somehow it hurt more when Die was mad at him than when anyone else was.

It had started during soundcheck, with Die making some snarky, muttered comment about how Kyo never bothered to rehearse properly.

Honestly, it had completely caught Kyo off-guard; he’d never known that Die had taken some issue with Kyo’s level of preparedness for concerts. He’d been unsure whether he was meant to respond or not. Was this something that had just started bothering Die in the moment, or was there a grudge there that had been held for some time?

Kyo hadn’t really gotten the chance to address it, and Toshiya had tried to reassure him back in the dressing room, “Don’t mind Die. He’s just jealous that it seems so easy for you to nail live after live. He puts so much work into his performance, you know?”

Kyo had frowned at that. “It’s not like I don’t put work into mine.”

“I know,” Toshiya had said quickly. “And I’m sure on some level Die knows that, too. He’s just being moody. You know how he gets.”

It hadn’t done much to comfort Kyo. Much as he’d tried to listen to what Toshiya had said, to not take Die’s grumbling to heart, the soundcheck incident hadn’t been the end of it. By the time they went onstage it seemed that yes, Die was in a bad mood, and after the third passing comment that was a direct criticism of _Kyo_ specifically, Kyo had started finding it difficult to continue biting his tongue. Keeping his distance seemed like the best way to avoid a blow-up. He didn’t want to be fighting with Die, especially not when they were on tour, and tagging along on his post-show wind-down just sounded like a bad idea. Since whatever Die’s bad mood was seemed to pretty obviously be centered around something _Kyo_ had done, it was probably smarter to give him his space.

“I think, for once in your life, you are incorrect,” Kyo told Shinya. “Die would care if I crashed, and he wouldn’t be happy about it. Or have you missed the way he’s been acting towards me all day?”

“You shouldn’t take it so personally,” Shinya said, picking up his bag.

“No? It sure feels pretty personal.”

“Well, since when are you one to let one negative attitude keep you from doing something?” Shinya challenged him. “That doesn’t sound like the Kyo I know. Suck it up and come prove you’re our friend.”

Somewhere in his gut, Kyo still felt like it was unwise, but it was true that he didn’t want to end up punishing Shinya, who seemed like he really wanted him there, just because Die wouldn’t say outright what his problem was.

And really, it wasn’t even like he didn’t like spending _time_ with Die. He didn’t want to make him angrier with his presence, but it had been a while since they got to just hand out. And Kyo _liked_ Die. He liked him rather a lot, if he was being honest about it. Sure, he respected him as a musician and a colleague, but he valued him as a friend as well, and if on some days he felt like being _really_ honest, he could also admit that there was the potential to care for Die as even more than that.

Nothing would ever come of it, but Kyo wasn’t ashamed to acknowledge his attraction to Die—who _wouldn’t_ be attracted to him? And more importantly, he liked being _around_ Die. Or at least he did when Die wasn’t passive-aggressively trying to tear him a new asshole.

“Ugh. Fine,” Kyo said with a sigh. He picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. “I will come, for _you_. Just don’t expect a birthday present next year.”

Shinya knew not to take him too seriously and just smiled as he led the way out of the dressing room.

They almost collided with Toshiya in the hall, and he offered up an, “Otsukaresama” before joining them in heading for the venue’s exit, towards the parking lot and the waiting van.

“We dropping Kyo back at the hotel on the way?” Toshiya asked.

Shinya shook his head. “Nah, he’s coming with us.”

“What!” Toshiya snapped his head round to look at Kyo properly. “What, cold day in Hell?”

“You’re asking me?” Kyo raised his eyebrows.

“Know someone better I should ask?” Toshiya teased, and Kyo just laughed and flipped him off.

They were already in the parking lot when a voice behind them caused them to stop walking, and Kyo had to physically restrain himself from groaning when he saw the woman who had acted as liaison for the venue chasing after them. They stopped and waited for her.

“Otsukaresama desu!” she said and bowed as she reached them, slightly out of breath. They responded in kind, and she held up a jacket she was carrying, a slightly ugly denim thing, faded, with loose threads here and there. “I’m so glad I caught you. Someone left behind this jacket!”

“That’s not ours,” Toshiya said plainly.

“I thought it might be Shinya-san’s,” the woman said, pushing it towards him. “After all, you’re always so fashionable, and it’s a _nice_ jacket.”

Kyo looked dubiously at the garment in question, and almost laughed. It was so far removed from anything remotely like Shinya’s fashion sense that the suggestion was ludicrous, and on top of that, it was quite obviously too large to ever fit the rail-thin drummer.

Shinya gave her a polite smile. “Thank you very much, but it’s not mine.”

“We can ask around if anyone on the crew left something,” Toshiya suggested.

“Oh, if you like,” the woman said dismissively. “I was just worried it was one of yours—I wouldn’t want Shinya-san to catch cold!”

Kyo pressed his tongue against his teeth, willing himself not to make some remark. He greatly disliked this lady. He tuned her out as she went chattering on about how lovely the band had been, how they were welcome back anytime and so forth. To Kyo there were few things more despicable than people who kissed up to the band members but treated their crew and technicians disrespectfully, and that was exactly this woman’s MO.

He pulled out his phone, messing around on Twitter while he waited for her to stop talking. He supposed he could have just gone ahead to the van, but felt strangely worried about encountering Die and having to be the one to break the news to him that he was joining them in going out. It was Shinya’s idea; he could be the one to bear the brunt of Die’s ire. Die would probably be least angry with Shinya anyway; he’d always seemed to have something of a soft spot for him. Perhaps that was just something Shinya brought out of people.

Thankfully, she only went on another couple minutes before she was bowing again, apologizing for keeping them standing out in the cold, and they were able to complete their trek to the van.

Die didn’t comment on Kyo’s presence, and Kyo couldn’t tell whether that was a relief or a disappointment. To some degree, he would have liked for Die to say something, maybe to even be happy, but he also knew better than to hope for that.

The place where the van dropped them off was almost more of a family-style restaurant than a bar, but Kyo guessed it didn’t matter too much as long as they served beer, and they certainly did.

“I’m starving,” Toshiya said as soon as they were seated, and dragged the menu away away from Kyo next to him. He started picking out some shareable appetizers. “Kyo, you must be hungry, too. Have you even had anything today?”

Kyo shrugged. “I could eat. And I’ll have a hot coffee.” He ignored the audible snort from Die, or at least tried to.

“For the most part, tonight went well,” Kaoru said, once the server had taken their drink orders, having made it a solid five minutes before bringing up their performance. “Although, Die, I’m not sure what happened at the beginning of—”

“I know, I know,” Die cut him off. “That was just a stupid fuck-up, it shouldn’t happen again.”

“I didn’t even notice anything,” Toshiya said.

Kyo opened his mouth and then had the wisdom to close it before anything came out. He had noticed Die’s mistake, but that didn’t mean he needed to go announcing that. It hadn’t been anything big; he’d _noticed_ , but he hadn’t thought anything of it. It had seemed obvious that it had been no more than a careless slip-up.

“It’s not like we were planning on releasing that one on DVD or anything, right?” Die said. 

Their drinks arrived then and there was a pause as Toshiya put in his extensive food order, and thanked the server.

Once she was gone, Kaoru shrugged. “No, it’s not… Still, maybe we should run that transition a few times before our next show.”

“If you want.”

“The next venue is a little more familiar,” Shinya said. “I don’t think they’d mind us starting soundcheck a tiny bit earlier if need be.”

“Oh!” Toshiya said, abruptly enough that Kyo jumped. “That reminds me.” He was grinning wickedly, leaning forward to look at Shinya on Kyo’s other side. “Shinyaaaa, ‘bout to _get some_!”

Kaoru raised an eyebrow.

“Wait, what?” Die said. “Did I miss some action?”

“The action hasn’t taken place yet,” Toshiya said. “But she practically shoved her phone number down your throat, huh?”

Kyo turned to Shinya, too, and found him looking down at the table bashfully. “Who was this? A fan, or…?”

“A fan, sure,” Toshiya laughed. “So concerned for _Shinya-san_ ’s cold arms.”

“While he sits there in his pea coat?” Kaoru looked mildly amused.

“Right? And picturing you in that denim jacket she held up…” Toshiya started laughing again and Shinya lifted a hand to cover his own quiet chuckle as well.

“Hold on,” Kyo said, his brow creased. “You don’t mean the liaison from the venue??”

“Eh? Matsuda-san?” Kaoru said in surprise.

“Yes, that’s her name!” Toshiya slammed a hand on the table. “I was trying to remember!”

“Ohh, yeah,” Die said, a smile taking over his face. “She’s cute! And now that you mention it, wasn’t she the same one who was hovering outside the dressing room, kept offering you drinks?”

Shinya nodded.

“Dude, I say go for it,” Die said, reaching across the table to push at Shinya’s shoulder.

“I hope you’re not thinking of quitting your life as a rockstar and settling down,” Kaoru teased.

Kyo was just glowering at his coffee. Of all the people to take an interest in Shinya. He deserved someone infinitely better, and Kyo couldn’t understand why they were even wasting the time joking about it.

“I don’t know,” Shinya said, still smiling demurely.

“She was so into you, though!” Toshiya said. “You’re at least going to call her, right?”

“God, I hope not,” Kyo said, without meaning to. All at once, everyone’s eyes were on him. He’d been trying so hard to keep it to himself, but he couldn’t just stay quiet when they were making suggestions like that.

“Kyo…?” Toshiya said warily.

“I mean, seriously, she is just a trash person,” Kyo said. He didn’t seem able to stop himself now that he’d started. “I don’t know if you saw the way she was speaking to Kuroo earlier, but anyone who thinks—”

“Kyo,” Kaoru interrupted, in his gentle but firm way. “She was completely professional when I spoke to her. And she _likes_ Shinya.”

“Yeah, be nice,” Toshiya said, nudging him with his elbow.

“But Shinya never said he liked her back, right?” Kyo turned to Shinya again, but he was just frowning, looking away. “Right? I would at least _hope_ Shinya has more sense than to like someone like her. She’s the _worst_ kind of person, I swear, if you’d heard the stuff this bitch was saying—”

“ _Kyo_.”

That was Die. And for the first time since they’d arrived, he was looking at Kyo with his full attention, glaring daggers right through to his soul.

“ _What_?” Kyo said back, not shying away from the eye contact, no matter how threatening it was.

No one spoke for a minute, and Kyo used the silence to think and process. He replayed Toshiya’s words in his mind: _Be nice_. That was why Die was looking at him so hatefully now; because he wasn’t being _nice_.

But this wasn’t the _time_ for that. Shinya was his friend and he wasn’t going to encourage him to pursue someone he thought was morally reprehensible. So what if she liked him? _Countless_ others certainly liked Shinya just as much, and wouldn’t act the way that she did. And what, he was supposed to just look the other way?

Kyo wasn’t remotely interested in that kind of picking and choosing when it was convenient to stand by whatever one believed in, and maybe he didn’t believe in much, but he trusted himself, and he trusted his instincts to know when someone was or wasn’t decent. He wouldn’t ignore that for the sake of politeness.

At length, what came out of Kyo’s mouth was, “I’m not going to not be who I am, just to be _nice_.”

The table went quiet again. Die was just staring off somewhere past Kyo’s shoulder, a thoughtful look on his face. “Huh,” he said slowly. “I’m trying to think of a reason why I would even waste my time in the same room as someone who’s _not nice_ …” He pursed his lips, shook his head. “I can’t think of one.” He didn’t look back at Kyo as he took a sip of his drink.

Kyo didn’t think he’d ever experienced such an uncomfortable silence. Their bandmates were looking between them but no one seemed brave enough to say anything, least of all Kyo himself.

There were all kinds of things he should have said.

_Because we work together? Because we’ve been friends half our lives?_

Or he should have apologized, and taken it back—but he _couldn’t_. Even now, he really didn’t believe he was wrong, and he didn’t think he should have to change his feelings about something just to be more agreeable.

He was more tempted to roll his eyes, tell Die, _You know what I meant—there’s a difference between being a Nice Person and Being “Nice.”_

That was the point, wasn’t it? Die was conflating the two. Kyo was more than willing to be the former, but he wasn’t going to sacrifice his beliefs to do the latter. And who was Die to ask it of him, anyway?

He didn’t drink his coffee, and no one spoke, until finally Die stood up, and headed for the front counter to pay, basically forcing everyone else to follow him or else just let him walk out.

Kyo kind of wished they’d just let him walk out.


	2. Chapter 2

Four days later, Die still hadn’t said a word to Kyo.

The rest of the band was sympathetic. No one else seemed angry with Kyo; they all just felt awkward.

“It was a complete overreaction,” Toshiya said, sitting on the couch on the tour bus, a half-downed water bottle in his hands. “I honestly don’t know why he’s being so dramatic over it.”

Kaoru and Die were out celebrating after the night’s live, but Toshiya and Shinya had both opted out. Kyo suspected it was because they felt bad for him. The subject of Die’s mood had been for the most part avoided the past few days, but after Die had refused to look at Kyo even as they had their band huddle prior to going out onstage, it had been hard enough to ignore that Toshiya had ended up asking Kyo whether Die had spoken to him at all since that night at the restaurant.

“I guess I just crossed some asshole line,” Kyo said with a dejected shrug. He looked guiltily at Shinya. It had been a long few days, but with no one talking about it, he'd never gotten to really tell him, “I am sorry, you know. I wasn’t trying to—”

“Stop,” Shinya said, shaking his head. “You were speaking your mind, and I would never suggest that you shouldn’t.” He sighed. “I just feel bad. I’m the one who insisted you come out with us when you didn’t want to. I should have read the atmosphere better, seen what you did, that Die was in some kind of… something.”

“It’s not your fault,” Kyo said, even if it kind of was.

Toshiya leaned back, propping one long leg up on the coffee table. After a pause he asked, “Was she really rude to Kuroo? The liaison?”

Kyo looked at him in surprise. “Of course. I wouldn’t make something like that up.”

“I know,” Toshiya said. “Die should know that, too.”

“She really behaved despicably with all our staff,” Kyo said.

“Then I never would have liked her,” Shinya said.

“Yeah, man,” Toshiya agreed. “Sorry I was pushing you towards that—I didn’t know.”

“I get it, no harm done,” Shinya said, and winced. “Well, not to me.”

Kyo made a face. “Don’t worry about me, it’s just. Whatever.” It’s not like it had gotten to him. Or he certainly didn’t want it to have gotten to him. Nevertheless, Die’s words had scarcely stopped rattling around in his brain, taunting him like the popcorn kernels that would never pop. “Do you guys—” He stopped, unsure of his own words, more sure that he shouldn’t say them. They tumbled out a second later anyway: “Am I not a nice person?”

Both Shinya and Toshiya hesitated just a beat too long, enough that Kyo plunged on, almost in a panic.

“I mean, I know I’m not _nice_ nice, like one of those nice people.” It was coming out sounding like nonsense. “You know the ones I mean, who you would think of it as one of their primary characteristics, where it’s just in their nature to be _nice_.”

“Right, sure,” Toshiya said.

“But I’m… I mean, I think I’m decent…” Kyo’s sentence finished with far less confidence than he’d thought it would when it started. Maybe he wasn’t decent. Maybe that was the whole lesson here, that Kyo was just a shitty, terrible person and Die was right to recognize it. Hadn’t he heard as much enough times over the years? He was always doing something wrong. It was bound to be his own fault one way or another.

“You are decent,” Shinya said. “I’d even call you kind-hearted.”

“Kind-hearted,” Kyo snorted, skeptical.

“The way you’re always there for your kouhai? Or how you take time with the fans, even when you’re anxious and uncomfortable?” Shinya said. “Even just how outraged you get over the injustices of the world. You’re a compassionate person. You’ve always been there for _me_.”

“For me, too,” Toshiya said. “Clear back to when we were flatmates. Just because you’re not a suck-up, and you can’t always keep your opinions to yourself, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You’re loyal, and you have an almost surprisingly strong moral compass.”

Kyo huffed out a small laugh at that.

“You’ve always been there for Die, too,” Shinya pointed out. “For him to imply otherwise is just…” He frowned. “I don’t know what’s going on with him.”

They all fell quiet until Toshiya said in a soft, careful voice, “Is he going to leave the band?”

“He wouldn’t,” Shinya said firmly.

“But how long can he go on acting like you don’t exist?” Toshiya said, looking at Kyo. “We can’t work like that. We felt way off tonight.”

“I’m sure Die’s getting a real earful from Kao about it as we speak,” Kyo said.

“Good!” Toshiya sat up, planting both feet on the floor of the tour bus. “I’d like to give him an earful, myself!”

“I don’t think attacking him is going to have a really positive impact,” Kyo said wryly. He couldn’t deny that he appreciated the sentiment though.

They were all in their bunks by the time everyone else returned to the bus, and before long they were back on the road, but Kyo spent most of the night awake, thinking about what it meant to be _nice_ , to be _kind_.

Because that was still the issue. There was a distinction between the two, Kyo was sure, and Die was stubbornly refusing to acknowledge it. There could be some overlap—Kyo didn’t doubt that one could be both nice _and_ kind—but they weren’t exactly the same thing. One could _be nice_ , and not be doing it out of kindness at all. On that same vein, it might not be _nice_ to tell your friend his outfit makes him look like a drunk cowboy and he should change before his date—but wouldn’t it be doing him a kindness?

Kyo sighed into the darkness. Maybe there was still a better way to phrase things, maybe being _nice_ did have its value. He was aware that he sometimes lacked the tact and grace that made other people easy to get along with.

Die was good at it, always had been. That could be why he couldn’t see how much more difficult it might be for someone like Kyo. Kyo could remember times when they’d been together, talking, only to be interrupted by some irrelevant stranger who had nothing remotely important to say. Die always laughed, responded to the interrupting party as if they were part of the same conversation, and Kyo was always somewhat amazed by it. He was barely even able to school his facial expression to keep himself from sneering at rude people, and yet Die could make them feel welcome and validated. He supposed that was why _he_ had a reputation as being the surly, ungrateful one who didn’t like going to fan events, and _Die_ was seen as much warmer and more social, even though he didn’t particularly like big swarms of people either.

But that brought it back in Kyo’s mind to a matter of honesty. Wasn’t Die just lying to people by putting on that friendly face? Why should Kyo _pretend_ to like something or someone he didn’t like at all, just so someone would think, “ _Wow, what a nice guy_ ”? What was really so great about being nice anyway?

Kyo had known people he would definitely describe as “nice,” people who kept unpopular opinions to themselves, who gave gifts freely, compliments even more freely—whether they were deserved or not. People who he thought for _years_ were _good people_ because they were so nice.

And then he got to know them better.

He’d find out they were untrustworthy, had no sense of loyalty. That they might be manipulative, even _abusive_ in personal relationships, but it was never taken seriously by outsiders because everyone knew they were _nice_. They ended up being people so concerned with damaging their image as one of the _nicest_ people around that they would lie, cheat, talk behind others' backs. Cowards. 

No one _actually_ likes everyone. Anyone who seems like they do is lying to someone. Thoughts like that scared Kyo. He would rather know who his real friends were.

He supposed Die must not feel that way. He would rather have nice friends than true ones. But Kyo couldn’t be that.

When the bus stopped again it was at a hotel where they’d be staying, and everyone piled off the bus, eager to sleep in an actual bed, to maybe even take a bath.

They got checked in, and Kaoru went around handing out room keys, saying who would be rooming with whom, and Kyo could see from the uneasy look on his face as he approached that he was up to something.

“Don’t be mad,” Kaoru said, handing over his room key.

“Why am I going to be mad?” Kyo asked, though he had a feeling he knew.

“It’s an opportunity,” Kaoru said. “I still don’t know exactly what Die has against you right now, but if you’re rooming together you’ll have some time alone for the two of you to work it out.”

Kyo closed his eyes and breathed out. He didn’t think it was a good idea, but he could understand Kaoru’s thinking.

“Kyo, just—” 

Kyo opened his eyes to see Kaoru looking at him with great sadness.

Kaoru shook his head and said, “I won’t tell you to deny yourself, or to play nice, that’s all bullshit. You haven’t done anything differently from the way you’ve always operated, and really, Die should accept that. I just… don’t want this to tear the band apart.”

“Neither do I,” Kyo said. He headed for the elevator right away, so he wouldn’t have to watch Kaoru speaking to Die.

The hotel room was pretty standard, and Kyo picked the bed closer to the window and air conditioner, knowing that Die tended to get cold. He could remember times in the past when they’d shared a room and Die had made his preferences on which bed he wanted known. Maybe they could get off on the right foot if Kyo gave him the bed he wanted without even being reminded.

Kyo was sorely tempted to get in the bath immediately, thereby getting himself out of the way for when Die came up to drop off his luggage any minute now, but he knew it wouldn’t do to just avoid Die indefinitely, and that it was better for them to get everything out in the open, to talk, as Kaoru had suggested, and that meant Kyo needed to make himself available.

It took longer than Kyo saw as a good sign for Die to come up to the room, and when he did, he didn’t say anything.

Kyo sat unobtrusively on his own bed and watched as Die rearranged a few things in his bag. He waited for Die to break the silence, even if was just to snarl something at him about how he didn’t want to share a room, but he just acted like Kyo wasn’t there. He changed his shirt, clearly thinking nothing at all of Kyo’s attention on him, then he tugged his jacket back on and swept out of the room without a word.

Kyo was left sitting there, still thinking how to phrase anything he might say. He’d thought he would let Die know that it hadn’t been his idea for them to room together, that Die was hurting the whole band with this ignoring-Kyo schtick, but he hadn’t even had the chance to get any of it out before Die was gone, and since they didn’t have a performance until tomorrow, it was hard to say when exactly he’d be back.

For the first time since the night of the original disagreement, Kyo finally allowed himself to be _angry_. And he was. He was _truly_ angry, that Die would do this, to him, to the band. That he was dragging it out, humiliating Kyo, making him look like an idiot, _feel_ like an idiot, for trying to talk it out. That he would stand there pretending Kyo didn’t exist, even going so far as to taunt him with his attractiveness by flaunting his body so shamelessly.

For a split second Kyo suddenly wondered whether he had become actually invisible. Or maybe he’d fallen asleep, was dreaming that Die couldn’t see him. Feeling a bit disconnected from his own body, Kyo got up and faced the mirror on the wall, stared at his reflection. He was real. He was present. There was no reason for Die to ignore him, except that he was being an asshole.

A rage lit in Kyo’s belly again. _Die_ was being an asshole! He was over there preaching about not wanting to be around someone who wasn’t nice, but Kyo wasn’t the one pulling shit like _this_. He wanted to grab Die by his perfect hair and just yank him down off his high horse.

Kyo went and deposited himself then in the bath. He spent most of the afternoon stewing in his anger, thinking about Die’s hypocrisy and letting go of ideas of enacting some kind of vengeance, refocusing his thoughts on how best to confront Die and get some explanation for his behavior.

It all pretty much went out the window though when Die actually turned up back at the room that evening, smelling vaguely like cigarettes and alcohol. Kyo was back on his bed, sketching, with his earbuds in, and Die didn’t acknowledge him before disappearing into the bathroom. A moment later Kyo heard the shower running, and he sat there, gritting his teeth. It wasn’t unreasonable for Die to shower. They could talk just as easily when he came out. Probably even more easily.

Or it might have been easy if Die had come out of the bathroom wearing anything more than a towel around his hips. Kyo averted his eyes, once again irritated at Die’s lack of consideration. His anger built at the thought that it was even more likely something deliberate, done to throw Kyo off-balance—he wouldn’t dare confront Die when he wasn’t even dressed. And it was true. Kyo wanted it to be a comfortable conversation for everyone involved, as much as it could be. He really had no choice but to wait for Die to put some damn clothes on before anything else happened.

But Die was still buttoning up his pants even as he made for the door again, clearly aiming to leave.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Kyo burst out. It wasn’t at all the smooth and strategic opening to the discussion that he had hoped for, but it did stop Die in his tracks. “You’re seriously walking out of here _again_ , without saying a thing to me?”

Die turned slowly, gave a shrug that should have been casual, but Kyo could see how his jaw was set, and realized Die was _running_. Yes, he was being a dick, doing everything in his power to avoid Kyo and their inevitable confrontation, but it was because he was on the verge of all-out panicking, and there was fear in his eyes if Kyo looked close enough.

“What would you like me to say?” Die asked, his voice deceptively calm.

“Where are you _going_?”

“I’m going,” Die said, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides, “to find one of our bandmates, to see if they’d switch rooms with me, since it’s obviously not going to work for us to room together.”

It shouldn’t have stunned Kyo as much as it did. He let out a disbelieving sort of laugh. “They’re not gonna trade with you, genius! Kaoru specifically put us together so we could work out whatever this shit is!” He stood up from the bed, but didn’t cross all the way to Die. “I mean, _why_ wouldn’t it work for us to room together? What have I even done to make you hate me so much?”

Die didn’t answer, his eyes apparently taking in the details of the hotel bedspread.

Maybe there wasn’t really anything that could be talked out. Maybe Die just really couldn’t stand Kyo. Did he have to have an explanation for that? Kyo was sure he’d done _something_ at some point to deserve it.

The silence stretched until it was loose, felt like it could never be drawn back in to return to its original shape. Like the comfortable manner in which Die and Kyo had always been able to talk might just really be broken. Irreparable.

With great effort, Kyo asked quietly, “Are you going to leave the band?”

“What?” Die’s attention snapped back to Kyo and he almost sneered, “Why do you think I’d do that?”

“It’s what we’re all wondering,” Kyo said. He wanted to throw his hands up in indignation, but instead they came to wrap around his upper arms so he was hugging himself protectively. Truth be told, he was nervous that Die would say he _was_ leaving the band, that after twenty years together, Kyo would know when they disbanded it was _his fault_.

“I wasn’t planning to.”

“How do you expect us to go on like this?” Kyo said. “You refuse to be in the same room as me, you won’t look at me most of the time… How can we work together if you won’t work with me?”

A strange noise bubbled out of Die then, sort of like his usual giggle but distorted. “You don’t—you don’t know what it’s _like_.” He brought one unsteady hand up and raked it back through his hair. “None of you do.”

“What _what’s_ like?” Kyo asked, trying not to be too put off by Die’s abrupt change in demeanor.

“Working with you!” Die’s eyes were a bit wild. “All these years, just in little bursts—and then time away, time to move on, move forward—only to be sucked back in!”

Kyo shook his head, bewildered. “Sucked back into _what_? Working with—?” 

“With _you_ ,” Die said again, advancing towards Kyo a couple of steps. “ _Kyo_.”

“Well, yeah, I guess I don’t know what it’s like to work with me, but—”

Die let out a growl of frustration, covering his face with his hands. Then, muffled, “You have no idea what it’s—what _you’re_ like.”

Kyo felt utterly lost. Obviously he couldn’t know what it was like to work with himself, but he worked with enough other people that he thought he’d know if he was truly intolerable. Was everyone else in both his bands just being polite? “Am I… that bad?”

Another weird little joyless laugh.

“If you hate working with me so much, I guess you’re glad then that it’s not a really consistent thing,” Kyo said. He was still struggling to put aside how hurt he was by what Die was saying, but he wouldn't take it lying down.

Die took another couple steps towards him. “It doesn’t _matter_. You never _change_ , Kyo.”

Kyo frowned, taking some offense at that.

“You’re always _you_ ,” Die said, dragging a hand through his hair again. “No matter how many years go by, how different what we’re making is, your values—your _soul_ —that never changes.”

Kyo wasn’t sure what to say. Die had come all the way back across the room, was standing very close to him now, enough that he could smell the soap on his skin from his shower. He searched Die’s face, still confused. Die’s eyes still had a somewhat wild look to them. Swallowing hard, Kyo said, “Do you want it to?”

“No!” Die said at once. Then, angrily, “Yes!” He hung his head. “I just—you make it so hard, Kyo.” He looked back at him, tired. “You make it so fucking hard.”

“ _What_?” Kyo spread his hands, half-reached for Die, feeling a bit helpless. “I’m not trying to—”

“Of course you’re not!” Die said. “That’s part of it!”

“I’ll… I’ll do better,” Kyo said. He still didn’t know what he was doing wrong, but this sad exhaustion emanating from Die was too much to handle, and he couldn’t deal with knowing he was the cause of it. “Whatever it is—What do I make so difficult?”

For a second, Kyo thought Die wouldn’t answer. He was just staring at him again with those sad eyes, and Kyo was aware of Die’s breathing, of his own, how they complemented each other.

Then Die whispered, “Getting over you.”

Kyo swallowed once, twice, his mouth dry. He couldn’t have heard him right.

“How is that—” Kyo felt something hot coiling at the base of his spine, and tried to take a step back from Die but couldn’t convince his body to move. The rest of his words were caught in his throat, and he couldn’t get anything out.

“I just have to keep coming back, back into the studio, back on tour with you—” Die seemed agitated again, a crease between his brows. “I’ll have stopped thinking about you every second of every damn day, _finally_ —and then bam! You’re back in my face again!”

“But….” Kyo said weakly, his eyes darting between Die’s dark, threatening eyes, and his lips—he was standing _so close_. “But you hate me.”

“Sometimes,” Die murmured, nodding, “I really fucking do.”

His control seemed to snap then, and he grabbed Kyo roughly, hands on his biceps as he crashed their mouths together with absolutely none of his usual grace.

Kyo should have been prepared for it, maybe even _was_ on some level, but not enough to turn it into any proper sort of kiss. Their teeth were clashing, the angle all wrong, and he couldn’t do more than grab fistfuls of Die’s tank top, tugging uselessly. One of Die’s hands moved to Kyo’s hair, yanked his head back to expose his neck, and Kyo couldn’t stop the moan that came out of him.

“Goddamn it Kyo…” Die’s lips were against his neck, his hips rolling forward against Kyo’s. “Everything you do… just makes me want you more.” His teeth grazed Kyo’s Adam’s apple, making him gasp.

“You… want me?” Kyo said lamely.

“Want you,” Die repeated. “Want to make you mine.”

“Oh.” Kyo was experiencing another disconnect from reality. He could feel Die moving against him, could feel his own cock hardening in his pants, but it seemed so impossible he couldn’t quite believe any of it was happening.

And then he was being shoved backwards, falling down onto the bed, and Die was over him, pushing the backs of his thighs up until he was bent nearly in half. He was grinding against him in obvious desperation, and something clicked in Kyo’s brain enough that he grabbed at Die’s shoulders, pulled him down enough for another sloppy sort of kiss. He could feel Die’s hardness rubbing against his ass, and he moaned into Die’s mouth. He was just reaching for the waistband of his sweats, to start getting some of this clothing out of the way when—

It all stopped.

In a split second, Die was off him, standing there panting, pushing both hands back through his hair, his erection still unmistakable in his jeans.

Kyo pushed himself up on his elbows. “What…?”

“I can’t—” Die shook his head. “I need to go.”

And before Kyo could form the thought necessary to stop him, Die had booked it out of the room, leaving Kyo extremely aroused and wondering what the hell just happened.


	3. Chapter 3

Die didn’t return to the room that night. 

But Kyo didn’t have to wonder long where he’d ended up, because as soon as he got to the van to head to the venue the next morning, Toshiya was hissing into his ear, “Okay, what in the name of fuck did you and Die talk about last night?”

“He went to your room,” Kyo said, feeling honestly kind of relieved.

“He showed up in the middle of the night, drunk as a skunk,” Toshiya said. “He wouldn’t tell us what was wrong or what you’d discussed, but he said there was no way he could go back to your room and if we wouldn’t let him stay he’d just try to get himself a single.”

Kyo shook his head. “I’m sorry. That’s so unnecessary. He could’ve just slept in our room.”

“So you guys didn’t have some big explosive thing?”

Kyo opened his mouth, hesitated. After too long a pause he said, “I mean, no.”

Toshiya frowned. “You got to talk.”

“A little. We didn’t—” Kyo grimaced. “—Finish.”

“Why not?”

“Because Die left,” Kyo said with a shrug.

“He just, what, up and left in the middle of things?”

“Pretty literally.”

“Why?”

“That, I’m not sure I could tell you,” Kyo said. “He was angry, and then he… wasn’t? Or maybe he still was, and just—” He cleared his throat. The rest of the band was approaching the van now. “He said he had to go, and he left.”

“That sounds weird,” Toshiya said. He looked past Kyo, through the window where he could see the others coming. “Want me to talk to him about it?”

“Ah, um.” Kyo made a face. He thought about Die’s eyes, full of sadness and hunger, of Die’s hands on him, strong and guiding without being forceful beyond what Kyo liked. He thought of Die _wanting_ him, wanting to get _over_ him. His heart twisted uneasily. What would Die tell Toshiya? That it was nothing? A mistake? Somehow he didn’t want him to say that, didn’t even want him to say it to someone else.

Kyo hadn’t answered, and now the rest of the band was piling into the van. He gave Toshiya a quick shake of his head and Toshiya acknowledged it, though he looked slightly disapproving.

It took Kyo a moment to realize as everyone settled into their seats that Kaoru was mid-lecture about Die’s hangover. 

“…Need to be _reminded_ that we have a _live_ tonight? And after our last show was so off—”

“I hear you!” Die said, looking like he’d much rather he didn’t. “I didn’t mean to have so much last night, okay? I’ll be fine for the performance.”

“You’d better be,” Kaoru said, turning to look out the window.

“You know he just worries about you,” Shinya said gently.

“And that’s another thing!” Kaoru said, apparently not over his anger. “Who were you drinking _with_?”

“No one,” Die muttered.

“ _No one_!” Kaoru looked about ready to crawl over Shinya and strangle Die with his bare hands. “Drinking alone, while we’re on tour? Drinking that _much_? Do you not see how dangerous—what the hell were you _thinking_?!”

“Clearly I wasn’t thinking,” Die shot back. “Or else I was thinking too much. I regret it. Can we move on?”

“Where was Kyo?” Kaoru demanded. “You two were rooming together—Kyo, you just let him go out unsafely like that?” He looked over the back of the seat at him.

Kyo floundered. As if he could stop Die from doing whatever he damn well pleased, even under normal circumstances.

“It’s not Kyo’s fault, Jesus,” Die said, rubbing at his forehead. “I won’t do it again, now let’s all stop yelling.”

Kaoru was clearly still displeased, but he turned away again and stayed quiet as they drove to the venue.

“Well, it seems like Die’s not as pissed at you anymore,” Toshiya leaned over to whisper, and Kyo just hummed.

It did kind of _seem_ that way. But he really didn’t know _what_ to make of Die’s behavior towards him. “Mixed signals” hardly seemed like a strong enough phrase.

Kyo tried to stay occupied with preparations for the night’s live for the rest of the day, not thinking it wise to try to get answers out of Die when he was still hungover and they had a performance to give. With any luck, he figured Die would focus his attentions on the music too, and it would help him work out whatever he had going on. If nothing else, Kyo felt confident there was more going on in Die’s head than he understood. There was some conflict there that Kyo wasn’t even part of, and he had to let Die work that out before confronting him again.

Kaoru was a little less patient. He sat in the empty chair beside Kyo in the hallway, not long before they were due to go onstage. “I’m not blaming you, but did something _happen_ last night that would provoke Die’s going drinking alone?”

Kyo rolled his shoulders back. He was already trying to get into his performance mindset, and didn’t want to be interrupted, but he could also see the worry etched into Kaoru’s features, and realized Kaoru was still really frightened that Die would want to leave the band.

“Yes,” Kyo said, because he couldn’t deny that something _had happened_ , and from _how_ Die left the hotel room, it wasn’t all that surprising that he’d go from there to get drunk.

Kaoru waited, and when Kyo didn’t elaborate he made a small, indignant noise. “You’re not going to tell me _what_ happened?!”

“It’s… difficult to explain,” Kyo said. “He has… a problem with me, finds it hard to work with me. But I don’t think he has any plans to break up the band. He’s just…” Kyo scrunched up his face uncertainly. He couldn’t begin to explain Die’s feelings; he didn’t fully understand them himself. He hated Kyo, but he wanted him? He wanted to get over him, but he wanted to kiss him? He’d shoved him down on the bed, but he didn’t think he was _nice_? It was confusing.

Kaoru sighed. “I think it’s best if he doesn’t go out after the live tonight. I can’t order him not to or anything, but frankly, I’m a little concerned.”

Kyo didn’t say anything. He didn’t think Die would be happy being told he couldn’t go out wherever he pleased whenever he pleased but he certainly could appreciate Kaoru’s perspective.

“Do you think you’ll be able to… work it out somewhat, or should I see if someone would be willing to trade rooms?” Kaoru asked.

Oh, right. Kyo hadn’t really thought about it, but they had another night in the hotel tonight, and there was no telling how Die would act if he had to spend another night with him.

“I can’t speak for Die,” Kyo said, “But I don’t have a problem rooming with him. I guess we can see when we get back to the hotel where we stand.”

Kaoru nodded and finally left Kyo alone to prepare to go onstage. 

He closed his eyes, breathed, and tried to clear his mind of all this other shit. When it came time to start the concert he still didn’t feel totally grounded, but the minor variables were what kept every show unique and fresh, so he just accepted the discomfort into his existence, and allowed himself to be relieved that Die wasn’t actively ignoring him anymore.

The live itself was nothing to write home about. Kyo didn’t make any more mistakes than usual, but the energy between the band members was still strained, so there was little of the interaction and play amongst them that made performing that much more fun. It was fading from Kyo’s memory as soon as he got backstage.

With the knowledge that they had a hotel rather than a tour bus to look forward to, no one lingered very long in the dressing rooms, and they were all loaded back into the van fairly early.

Kyo sat by Shinya, looking over his shoulder as he scrolled through Instagram on his tablet. He had to admire how unaffected Shinya was by any of the drama going on around him. It certainly wasn’t that he wasn’t _aware_ of it—he just didn’t let himself be consumed by it, didn’t trouble himself with it, and Kyo respected that quality rather a lot.

When they got to the hotel, Kyo didn’t bother waiting to see if Die would make a fuss about switching rooms. If he had that much of a problem he could find someone to trade, and it didn’t really have anything to do with Kyo. Instead, Kyo went straight up to the room and got in the bath.

He let the stress seep out into the bathwater, reminded himself to be accepting of whatever happened. Kyo had never been one to “go with the flow,” certainly. He was more the driving force behind the water, or occasionally the dam, stopping it in its path. It didn’t come naturally to let someone else dictate how things would go, but that seemed like all he could do in this situation.

Honestly, he’d hardly spent any time at all thinking about how _he_ felt about everything. He could look back at the night before and admit that he hadn’t wanted Die to stop. There had been a sense, with Die on top of him, warm and insistent, that _finally_ this was happening, something Kyo had wanted but never dreamed possible, and having it ripped away so suddenly had stung.

He ran over everything again and again. He didn’t want Die to get over him. He wanted Die to—what? Well, what they’d started last night wasn’t bad, he could go for some more of that. But he knew it wouldn’t really happen, even as his cock was taking interest with the memory of Die moving against him. Attracted as Kyo was to Die, he wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship that was purely physical. And with Die he knew it could be so much more, could be _everything_ , but not if Die didn’t want it, and he’d already expressed his desire to move on.

With a sigh of resignation, Kyo drained the bath, and stepped out, drying himself with a towel before tying it around his waist.

He was surprised to find Die sitting on one of the room’s beds when he came out of the bathroom.

“Sorry,” Kyo said, one hand going to make sure his towel stayed in place. “Were you waiting for the bathroom? Shower’s all yours.”

Die shook his head. “Just waiting for you.” He looked down at his hands in his lap.

“Oh.” Kyo wasn’t sure if he should take that as a good thing or a bad thing. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to apologize. For last night.”

That was to be expected, Kyo supposed. He nodded slowly, then said, “Which part?”

Die looked up, confused.

“Which part of last night are you apologizing for?” Kyo elaborated, because he really needed to know.

“Well, the…” Die cleared his throat. “All of it?”

“Oh,” Kyo said again, not bothering to hide his disappointment.

Die didn’t miss it. “Wh—I—Which part did you want me to apologize for?”

“It’s not really about what I want,” Kyo said, shaking his head.

Die breathed out loudly through his nose. “This is exactly the problem with you.”

That didn’t make sense. “That I want you to be honest about your feelings, and not act based on what _I want_ rather than what _is_ …?”

“Yes!” Die said, throwing up his hands. “You’re fucking perfect, and it’s the most aggravating thing!”

Kyo shifted his weight to his other foot, feeling suddenly self-conscious. “I’m not, at all.”

Die rolled his eyes. “Obviously you’re not, not _literally_ , that’s not a thing. But... You are. You're everything I could want.”

Kyo stared at him in disbelief. After how Die had been acting… It sure seemed like he had a ton of problems with him. Scrounging for something to say, he finally opened his mouth and let out, “But I’m not even nice.”

Die snorted. “No. But you’re kind. And you’re honest.”

“I don’t understand,” Kyo said, still lost. He rubbed at the back of his head, his wet hair.

“I told you before,” Die said, looking back down at his hands, “that it’s… beyond difficult to work with you, to keep getting sucked back into wanting you and—and _loving_ you, never able to fully get it out of my system and move on.”

Kyo nodded to show he was following so far.

“I started… looking for things,” Die said a bit guiltily. “Searching for anything I could come up with that was _wrong_ with you. You couldn’t be perfect, so I started inventing flaws for you, blowing them way out of proportion, as a way of… convincing myself. Just to make it easier to let go. I’m sorry. That wasn’t really fair to you.”

“You were being a dick,” Kyo agreed.

Die half-smiled. “And it totally backfired. I hated myself for how I was acting, everyone else was pissed at me, so I couldn’t even pretend I was in the right, and knowing you wouldn’t back down, wouldn’t compromise your values, just. Made me like you more.” He made a face. “Maybe that’s gross of me. To put you through that and then try to say it... strengthened my love for you.”

“Maybe,” Kyo said thoughtfully, “but that wasn’t your intent, so I can forgive it.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you for coming to apologize,” Kyo said, relaxing slightly. “And for explaining. I’ve been really… perplexed, by your behavior. I still don’t get what happened last night.”

Die’s eyes squeezed shut. “Last night, I just… I lost control… for a minute. I’m sorry.”

“No,” Kyo said, and waited for Die’s eyes to open. “Why did you _leave_?”

“Because I… I hadn’t meant to—” Die was looking fully at Kyo now, and seemed to be struggling slightly as he finally realized Kyo was standing there in just a towel. “I—I was afraid I would—you—” He stopped, swallowed. “You… didn’t want me to leave?”

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “Did you really not notice how I was kissing you back? Or that I was just about to take my pants off before you ran out?”

“Oh,” Die said. He rubbed nervously at his thighs. “Oh, wow. I mean, I did, but—but I thought—”

“What? That I was just… being nice?”

A clipped, helpless laugh fell from Die, his shoulders jerking awkwardly.

“I didn’t want you to leave last night,” Kyo said, as straightforward as possible. “It hurt that you did. I didn’t know if I’d done something…”

Die shook his head hurriedly. “I was just overwhelmed. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Kyo nodded, then paused before slowly taking a couple steps towards Die. “So…”

Die swallowed again, keeping his gaze determinedly on Kyo’s face. “So?”

“So, did you want to make it up to me, or…?”

“Oh. Yes.” Die reached eagerly for Kyo, pulling him close enough to kiss him.

Kyo wasted no time in getting himself seated on Die’s lap, only vaguely realizing as their lips met that the position caused his towel to fall to the floor.

He didn’t really care.

Die seemed to care slightly more, as he brought his hands to Kyo’s hips and found them devoid of any covering. His loud gasp was swallowed down by Kyo as he kissed him again, deeply, as if to be absolutely sure he wouldn’t run out on him again.

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” Die murmured when Kyo finally let him up for air. His hands, though, still refused to stray anywhere less gentlemanly than Kyo’s hips.

“Tell me what you wanted?”

There was a pause then, and Kyo supposed not everyone felt comfortable speaking their desires aloud—but then Die mumbled something that Kyo couldn’t quite catch.

He nudged Die’s face with his own, bringing his good ear closer to Die’s mouth. “Say that again?”

“I _said_ , I want to blow you.”

The words were still quiet, but enunciated as clearly as crystal, and they set off sparks through Kyo’s veins.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about it,” Die said. “Will you let me do it? I know I can make you feel so good…”

Kyo meant to answer with words, but it came out as more of a moan, and it was probably hopeless to try to preserve his dignity anyway when he was completely nude on Die’s lap. Still, Die correctly interpreted the sound as one of assent, and moved Kyo off himself and back onto the bed, so he could get comfortably between his legs.

Die shot him a devastating smile before bending down to nip at his inner thigh. It was comfortable, teasing and sweet in a way that Kyo hadn’t expected, and he hardly knew what to do with himself as Die carried on, kissing Kyo’s thighs, sucking at the delicate skin. 

Kyo was too startled and disoriented by the attention to express any impatience with Die’s chosen pace. He just let him take his time laying kisses up across Kyo’s hip all the way until he finally got to Kyo’s cock, resting full and flushed against his belly .

Die didn’t tease him once he got there. He parted his lips for the head, sucked sothat Kyo’s hips nearly bucked.

One of Die’s big hands wrapped around the shaft of Kyo’s cock, covering whatever he didn’t have in his mouth, but it fell away as he took Kyo deeper, and Kyo could see the bulge of his cock, pushing against the inside of Die’s cheek. When he pulled back, Kyo was so wet, sloppy in a way that should have been gross, but Kyo’s brain couldn’t get past how hot it was.

Again, Die curled his fingers around Kyo’s now-spit-slick length, and the wet sound as he jacked him off was simultaneously humiliating and arousing.

It was completely obscene, how Die was looking up at him, lapping at the head of his dick, fist tight around the rest—still entirely clothed, a picture of composure, while Kyo was naked and writhing, his shower-damp hair sticking up in strange directions as he tossed his head side to side on the hotel bedspread.

The obscenity was made worse by how obviously Die was enjoying himself. His self-control broke down, bit by bit, until he was drooling as he sucked Kyo’s dick, hips moving as he sought friction by rutting against the bed. Kyo didn’t know if he’d ever known anyone to so obviously get off on giving head, and it was one the hottest things he’d ever seen.

His muscles were going tight as he felt himself getting closer, and though he wanted to tell Die to slow down, the part of his brain capable of language was struggling to connect. One of his hands threaded through Die’s long hair instead, giving a meaningful tug.

Die only moaned at the sensation, which was not overly helpful.

He did back off a second later, licking his red lips before saying hoarsely, “Do you want me to stop?”

Kyo absolutely did not. He was a mess already, and slightly ashamed at how easily he fell apart, but it was too late to try and save face when Die had heard the wordless whimpers and sighs he’d been releasing only a moment earlier.

“I’m… I’ll cum,” Kyo warned him, nonetheless, in case it wasn’t obvious and Die wanted something else.

“And I’m more than okay with that,” Die said, and dove back in, swallowing around Kyo’s cock, and letting his free hand slip back behind Kyo’s balls.

“Oh!” Kyo said, more shocked than anything by Die’s new ministrations. “Oh, Die—that’s—that’s so good.” His hips were rolling gently in time with the bobbing of Die’s head, careful not to get overenthusiastic and thrust into Die’s mouth.

He was stretched, pulled tighter and tighter, and Die was still humping against the bed, and then his fingers were tracing up along the cleft of Kyo’s ass. All it took was one digit circling Kyo’s hole, and he half-shouted as he came without warning, flooding Die’s mouth before he could think to push him away.

Die, for his part, seemed not to mind. He recovered quickly, swallowing what Kyo had given him, then shifting up onto his knees.

Kyo’s brain was foggy from his orgasm and his limbs felt like jelly, but he wasn’t blind to the tent in Die’s pants.

“You… What can I do for you?” Kyo asked, pushing himself up on his elbows. His eyes closed as he remembered the previous night, the feeling of Die manhandling him into position, thrusting against him. “Do you want to fuck me?”

A breath that could have been a laugh, and, “You can’t even imagine how much.”

Kyo opened his eyes to look at Die, see how his hand was rubbing over the bulge in his pants.

“But I don’t really think I can wait that long,” Die said, color high on his cheeks. He started to undo his pants. “Do you think—Could you just stay, like this?”

Kyo swallowed hard, having no trouble understanding what Die wanted to do. He nodded for him to go ahead, and wondered whether it was possible for him to get hard again just watching, as Die pulled out his cock and started stroking himself.

Surely Kyo should have been more proactive, paid Die back properly for the blowjob, but Die seemed more than content to just look down at him while he jerked his own cock, flushed and longer than Kyo expected. Next time he would have to get it in his mouth.

He couldn’t pull his gaze away. Any minute now, Die was going to to cum all over him, and Kyo couldn’t think of anything he wanted more. He recalled Die’s words from the night before,

_Want you… Want to make you mine._

Was that why Die was happy for Kyo to remain like this? By shooting his load across Kyo’s bare skin, was he _marking_ him as his own?

Almost to his surprise, Kyo found he didn’t have any problem with it, if that was Die’s intention. If anything, he wanted it _more_ , wanted that evidence that Die wanted him that much, was interested enough to stake some claim to him.

Kyo’s hips shifted without his meaning for them to. “Die, you’re so…”

“Yeah?”

Kyo shook his head. He couldn’t finish that sentence. There were many things he wanted to say, but none of them felt right.

Die was so _handsome_ , and he looked so powerful, in his position over Kyo, still fully dressed, but with his hard dick out in his hand. He made Kyo feel small and dominated and so _hungry_ , and none of it seemed like something he could confess to Die in this moment.

He just kept watching the steady movement of Die’s hand on his cock, the faltering little thrusts of his hips. It was obvious he was getting close, that he’d been well on his way just from sucking Kyo off, and that was a thrilling thought all on its own.

A sharp exhale pulled Kyo’s gaze up to Die’s face. Die was looking back at him, his eyes wild and dark, pleading.

Kyo nodded eagerly in response to whatever question Die wasn’t managing to ask, and within a few seconds he came, ribbons of cum shooting out to cover Kyo’s stomach.

It was an image that Kyo would happily cherish for a long time to come.

When he finished, Die stayed where he was for a while, just staring down at how he’d marked Kyo, and Kyo didn’t feel the need to interrupt him. He was actually quite comfortable with how everything had gone, and was maybe just the smallest bit disappointed when at last Die bent to retrieve the fallen towel from the floor to clean him up.

“Do you mind if I lie down with you?” Die asked when he’d tossed the towel aside once more.

Kyo shook his head. “Why would I mind? C’mere.”

Still fully dressed, Die lay beside him, one arm wrapped hesitantly around Kyo’s middle.

“You don’t have to be so careful,” Kyo commented. “I’d think what we just did would make that pretty clear.”

“It’s just hard not to think I’m gonna fuck things up again,” Die said. “What we just did—I liked that a lot. I don’t want that to be the only time it happens.”

“I would really like for it to happen again,” Kyo said. He laid his hand over Die’s. “Many times…?”

“I’d like that, too,” Die said. “Kyo, I…”

“I know,” Kyo said. He offered him a small smile. “I’m glad you were finally honest with me. And I hope I’m a little easier for you to work with, from now on.”

Die laughed. “I don’t know about that. But we’ll see.”

Somehow those words warmed Kyo’s heart more than anything else. It was a promise of sorts, that they would figure things out together, without Die giving up or walking out or leaving the band. There was no way to be sure how things would work out between them, but they’d learn, and that was a _good_ thing.

And, it was also kind of nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, as always! New things are on the way, too.  
> Unrelated! Recently I've been interested in superstitions! Not sure if there's anything I can do writing-wise exploring them, but I think they're pretty fascinating, especially how there are so many different ones across cultures. Do y'all have any favorite superstitions, or ones that you believe? If so, I invite you to share them in the comments (and maybe tell me where you're from/what culture that superstition comes from)! For myself, I don't consider myself a highly superstitious person, but I still knock on wood all the time after I say something that might jinx a situation. Habit, I guess.  
> Anyway. Love!!


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